A lot of it comes down to focus.

We’re in an era where our attention is pulled in so many different directions constantly. We’re directed by this, told that new thing is the best thing for us, etc. When we’re bombarded by multiple different “important” topics, it seems like an uphill battle to focus our own attention rather than being swept away toward something that’s not truly helping us. That’s why it’s even more valuable in today’s age to be aware of where our thoughts are heading.

In many situations, a shift in perspective can make a world of difference. This is why the word “intentional” is discussed so frequently. If we can be intentional about our thoughts, we prepare ourselves to feel more empowered if we’re weathering a storm. Previously, I’ve talked about how important it is to monitor thoughts when stressed and facing uncertainty. Being mindful of our thoughts allows us to keep anxious content from snowballing into this monster we can no longer handle. We really have to become honest with ourselves about what path our thoughts are taking. Are we so focused on the idea our circumstances won’t change that we’ve blocked out any helpful suggestions which come our way? How mentally flexible would you say you are? By mentally flexible I don’t mean able to handle the constant shift of attention but more so able to tune in to what you’d actually like to focus on. Here we’re looking at OURSELF making the call of what we’d prefer to focus on instead of being so stuck in the grasp of other forces.

There are countless beneficial tips circulating around about focusing our attention and getting the most out of our days. The idea here is about how difficulty focusing and fixations on what you DON’T want can impact emotional and mental wellbeing. Something worth considering is our approach to problem-solving when we’re experiencing adversity. How attuned are we to the “problem” versus actually problem-solving? There’s a difference between processing and ruminating. Processing is a natural way of feelings the emotions, acknowledging the thoughts, and really accepting the situation as a whole to figure out how we’d like to proceed. Ruminating is less of an intentional activity and more of a fixation on how things “should” or “shouldn’t” be. Rumination is trying to change a situation that literally cannot be changed and getting further stuck. If we’re so stuck in rumination, of course our attention isn’t directed toward what actually can be altered. We’ve got to get very honest with ourselves and ask if we are stuck in rumination and what do we need to let go of in order to move forward. This can include the very painful realization that whatever happened can no longer be changed no matter how hard we wish for that.

Again, as I do in many posts, I’ll validate why this unwanted coping mechanism (in this case, rumination) seems like a viable problem-solving strategy. In our minds, if we haven’t accepted the situation and can continue to analyze it to no end, then there’s still hope somewhere that situations can be different. To really accept what is going on doesn’t mean you love it or that you just say, “ok whatever”, but acceptance is the true acknowledgement of your current reality. From THERE, you can address what needs to take place next. Making changes for the future isn’t dependent on a past situation needing to be changed but it’s looking at “What can I do about it right now?” Where do you want your focus to go? If you’re feeling pulled to analyze every detail again for the fiftieth time, can you challenge that and ask, “How is this truly helping me?” Can you allow yourself to grieve what was and assert “Now I’m going to focus on moving forward because this is truly the only means of caring for myself after what’s happened”?

Once we realize we have more of a choice over where our attention goes, we start to feel even the slightest bit more empowered. If you hear people talking about being intentional and choosing where you’d like your attention to flow and you feel totally overwhelmed because it feels like some inside secret others are in on and you’re not, consider where to start before that. Meditation can be extremely helpful in gaining some space from your emotions so you actually have time to think about how you’d like to react versus the reactions pulling to you to and fro. There are multiple different types of meditation which I wouldn’t be able to fully sum up here, so doing some research on the topic can be beneficial. Also, really allowing ourselves to feel what is going on without trying to push it away or deny it can be helpful. We have more of a chance of proactively addressing something once we’ve had time to identify it and process it versus pushing it away and it springing back up unexpectedly at a later time.

As far as caring for yourself goes, I believe most people have heard to limit social media or anything that hooks us in and steals hours from us when we originally only meant to be engaged for 15 minutes. All of that might be slightly more for a different day, but to sum it up, take inventory of what activities you engage in that lead to you feeling confused or overwhelmed versus truly fulfilled. Even on a more difficult day mentally, you’re most likely going to feel better that you did something intentional to empower yourself versus staying with the attitude of “I feel bad, so it doesn’t matter what I do anyway.” Throughout all this- be kind to yourself! These changes don’t happen overnight and are a process of finding what assists you in regaining a sense of direction over your thinking. Small shifts in perspective add up, and simply believing you have some power to shift it sets you up for longer-term satisfaction.

Be willing to question your current thoughts. Ask “What evidence do I have for this? Is it coming purely from emotion?” Curiosity often feels uplifting, so ask yourself “What if I explored this from a place of curiosity rather than needing absolute certainty?” We can ask why we get stuck in doom and gloom, and it’s because even a certain negative outcome still feels like a form of certainty. Keep in mind we experience many irrational thoughts on a regular basis! Even that person who looks like they’ve got it all together- yes, even them! Lots of irrational thoughts. Let’s again normalize this instead of pathologizing it. Once we’re aware our minds can lead us astray without blaming ourselves, then we can find realistic ways to handle issues we once thought were totally out of our control.

This might seem like a lot to take on, but as I’ve said, remember to practice grace with yourself. Some days you might be better equipped to notice where your thoughts are going, and others you could feel like you have tunnel vision and only see everything you don’t want. On the days it’s hard to gain clarity, even normalize that! Progress doesn’t mean “no more tough times ever”. Recognize it as a tough time and that’s all. See if you can create your own plan to begin catching if you are stuck with your attention on something that’s not preferred. What are the signs this is happening? How might you speak to yourself knowing you can intervene? The more you approach something in a specific way, the more normalized it will seem to you. What once was “I’m just so overwhelmed things won’t possibly ever get better” over time can be transformed into “Ok, I’m overwhelmed now, and I also know I can get through this.”

Ask yourself what percentage of hope you have that the situation can change. You of course won’t start out at 100%- even 85% or 70% probably won’t seem realistic if you’re in the middle of something. If you have 15%, you’re starting somewhere. Having some portion of hope is essential because it will assist you with initiating the next steps forward. If you’re starting with 5%, that’s still something. I’m not saying you have to develop a system for measuring hope- these are all examples simply to illustrate the point. Are you willing to be open to the idea of circumstance change? That’s when honing your focus becomes key.