Can we change our mindset about change?

Can things change? This is a long-debated (and sometimes dreaded) question. We don’t know if desired change will ever happen, and that’s the undeniably frustrating part. We do know change CAN happen and therein lies the hopeful part.

So, can we change our MINDSET about change? When we’ve been hopeful something will change and have seen countless times it hasn’t, it’s natural for us to integrate this pattern into how we understand things. We crave certainty, so it makes sense if we’ve seen a specific outcome, we’re going to predict a similar outcome in the future. After all, we can’t have something repeated over and over and wholeheartedly expect different results without feeling a bit… skeptical, right?

Now, I’m a big proponent of believing circumstances can change, but I use that example to illustrate just HOW hard it is for us to modify even our beliefs about change. “I’ve seen this happen x amount of times yet I’m supposed to somehow believe it will be different; with no evidence or guarantee it will be?”

How do we juggle this paradox of wanting to act in a reasonable way based off prior experiences yet also hold this idea that despite all else, there’s hope it can be different? Well, one of the hallmarks of the human experience is ambivalence about major circumstances in our lives. Yes, there are some situations we may be 100% about, but often, people live in a greyer area, where complex feelings and emotions are frequently swirling around. Grey is difficult because it’s so much vaster than it is to just exist at either end of a spectrum. Grey is uncomfortable, so how do we happen to become more comfortable there so we CAN find a meaningful belief in change?

1. Acknowledge the power that lies in uncertainty.

Uncertainty is often associated with ugliness because the worst-case scenario exists within its boundaries. A curiosity about the future can also take up space there too. Can you shift your thinking even a little bit to acknowledge something desirable also has a chance to come out of uncertainty? This is the part of us that breaks out of the cycle of negative expectations without it feeling totally fake. Can you experiment with even ENTERTAINING the idea that change can happen? “And how does that make you feel?” No really though.

2. Count small change as a win.

Whether it’s a situational change, with your personal development, or another person, can you recognize a step in the desired direction even if it’s minimal? We often so strongly want a circumstance to change that we discount the very process occurring if it’s “not enough.” If we’re just looking for it to be different NOW, we’ll certainly miss more subtle signs. People often find success by breaking goals into small and then SMALLER components, so they are a) more likely to actually achieve the goals and b) feel a sense of accomplishment rather than defeat which moves them forward rather than being overwhelmed. Big, grand gestures and accomplishments might lead us to feel excited, but stable change is often a product of effort built over time.

3. Consider how complex change really can be.

If we have an intention to do something, do we always put that into action? If someone offers helpful guidance, do we always immediately do just that while throwing away old ways? Let’s go ahead and give this a resounding “no.” It often involves steps forward, frustrating steps back, and different barriers people may not have anticipated when they set out to initiate change. Does that mean they (or you) simply don’t care? Of course not! Can you hold compassion for yourself and others when judgement attempts to rear its head instead?

4. Notice “extreme” thoughts associated with intense situations.

Something overwhelming might happen, and your thoughts may go along the lines of “Now this will NEVER be ok” or “I’ll ALWAYS have a hard time with that.” See if you can catch these all-or-nothing words or phrases and then go back to the grey. There’s no evidence suggesting these extremes will play out other than that strong emotional response you’re having in the moment, which is fleeting! Our mindsets are powerful because our focus can act as a catalyst to propel us toward further defeated thinking or toward creating hope about our circumstances. Consider having a growth mindset as skill to be refined. We can all acknowledge how difficult putting these concepts into practice can be. With a growth mindset (an extensively studied idea by Dr. Carol Dwek) we can start to see a new way to treat that immediate desperation that comes up when something doesn’t go “our way.” Curiosity, humor, and being willing to have new experiences are all part of challenging our strongly rooted one-track viewpoints.

The focus here today is so heavy on mindset because it’s a huge factor in how our situations will play out in the future. There is so much insightful literature about different strategies for lasting change, and I believe considering our mindset is fundamental to what comes next. It starts with our beliefs which can either hinder us or help. This isn’t meant to be an overly simplistic take on changing our mindset. It’s recognizing the enormous heartache that can accompany the complexity of change and still being courageous enough to cultivate a mindset that aligns with what we really want.

What do we want? CHANGE! When do we want it? Well… perhaps your answer to that has shifted after reading this.